I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
