walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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