I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
