but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
