My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
