every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
