Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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