I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
