I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
