A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
