Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize