Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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