I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
