i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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