Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
