The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
