I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
