Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
