dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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