Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
