im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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