We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
