Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize