dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
