he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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