i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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