my phone needs a breathalizer
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the day after is always just damage control
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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