listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
