I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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