he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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