I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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