Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
mondays should just be called national damage control day
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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