I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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