A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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