oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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