when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
