the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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