I'd wear matching sweaters with you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
