Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
