Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
