i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
COCAINE IS GR8
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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