Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
