he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
