Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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