I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
