my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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