I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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