i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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