You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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