some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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