____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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