My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize