Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
