Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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