Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
