I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
