In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
