i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Terrible idea I love it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
