I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
