Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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