Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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